A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity