I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
OH. COME. ON.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.