your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Livid.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.