it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
You Might Also Like
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
i made a craigslist ad !
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
this FaceApp is creepy af
The internet is magic sometimes.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance