Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.