A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
HERE’S MARKY
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.