saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?