Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.