My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Miscakes
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated