Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.