it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.