ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
True.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Brilliant!
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens