She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Saturday
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there