I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Life with a cat in one tweet
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Catercrombie & Fish
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…