Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Happy Caturday!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Oh thanks BBC.