me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
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I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My safe word is Worcestershire
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course