“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them