You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
accurate
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁