Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”