Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.