We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!