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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.