The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers