It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never