if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
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[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?