I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Pat is about to own someone
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
This was the best day of my life
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking