i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
#Caturday
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Just how popey was the pope today?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood