Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Dietest Coke
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I can fix him.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Art by Pastelkatto
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”