I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you