This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.