A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Planet of the Apps.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*