Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Confused owl: What?!
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird