“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
You Might Also Like
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀