Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way