Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
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“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum