I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”