When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*