Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
that de-escalated quickly
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Seek kebab; not attention