Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.