I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.