Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
You Might Also Like
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
#Caturday
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.