Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
How can I say no to this ?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt