Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The smoothest fall of all time
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”