why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
respect
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley