Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.