[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.