Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.