Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”