Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I can fix him.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic