My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
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My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Meow
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro